On saying “no” to myself

My biggest struggle in life is saying “no.”

Several months ago, I said “yes” to a new project pursuit. And then another. And then another. And then, you know, another one wandered in and I said “yes” to that one, too. Over the following three weeks, I found myself in a real bind trying to manage four distinct proposals.

When it was all over, the last draft file archived, I turned back to survey the damage: four decent but not great submissions, four late nights of working (I avoid working after 6pm at all costs), and an exhaustion even a good night of sleep couldn’t shake.

What had happened?

Sifting through the mess I’d made of those weeks, I saw there was only one guilty party: me.

When a colleague makes a big ask of me, and I know that I can’t deliver, I don’t have a problem saying “no.” But when I make a big ask of myself, I struggle to say “no.” There are few people I’d rather disappoint.

The resulting cycle locates me at the bottom of a hole of my own digging—clutching an impossible to-do list and bemoaning my uncertainty about what to tackle next. Steve Jobs would be looking down at me in that hole and shaking his head.

“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on,” Jobs said. “But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the 100 other good ideas that there are.”

Jobs is right. It’s the saying “no” that counts, and it’s saying “no” to yourself that counts the most.

There are plenty of great ideas for improving communications and knowledge management and proposal process…but I can’t wrap my arms around these ideas at once. The reason I can’t focus is not because I need to say “yes” to the idea at hand—it’s because I need to say “no” to the other ideas.